Sometimes I really wish I could swear in this column.

 I know my grandmother would say it's lazy, and that there's nothing you can't express with a good command of the English language, but she's wrong. There is nothing out there that takes the place of a FFS! when the moment is right.

That moment is now, race fans.

Much of the fuss out here in Bahrain has been on McLaren's driver-cooling/speed-increasing air duct in the chassis tub. But the FIA scrutineers declared the device to be legal – which they should have done, given that they homologated the chassis with the duct in place – and the other team bosses were left to grit their teeth and find a way of doing the same.

But there's now an imaginary new diffuser row bubbling away under the surface – I think. All of the English language reports cite a less than reputable source for the story, and there's nothing from the FIA to that effect on their website or trackside press releases. Germany's Automotor und Sport, however, seems to be the original source, and a quick Google Translate has given me some of the picture.

"But even at McLaren, the diffuser was criticized. At the MP4-25, the hole for the external starter has been misused. In the last stage, it was suddenly much larger than necessary, which fueled the suspicion that McLaren has thus gained an extra diffuser surface. Even with three other cars in the field there is a suspicion that the opening will be diverted. Instead of forcing the team to an immediate reconstruction, wants the FIA to the next race in Melbourne, close the gray area in the regulations and establish a clear definition for the maximum size of the opening event in the rule book," the (translated) report reads.

I really don't know what to think. I've got the technical delegate's report from last night in front of me, released at 18.58 Bahraini time. The report in Automotor was published at 9.33 am German time, hours before qualies even started. And the official FIA technical delegate's report seems to rubbish the German claims.

"After the qualifying practice session: Cars 01, 02 [and lots more] were checked for the following: bodywork around the front wheels, front wing height and overhang, rear wing height and overhang, front and rear wing width, rear wing configuration, rear bodywork area, rear winglet height, stepped bottom, diffuser height, diffuser width, overall height, overall width. ... All the above items were found to be in conformity with 2010 FIA Formula One Technical Regulations."

So what is going on here? Nothing, in Bahrain. The paddock's gearing up for the first race of the season, and all is as calm as it can be under the circumstances. Somewhere in Germany, however, they're cooking up another false diffuser row with McLaren as the target. Is this a way of diverting attention from Michael Schumacher's performance over the course of the weekend, or are they just looking to sell papers?

Formula 1 has enough controversy of its own making without bored hacks stirring the pot. All together now, people – FFS! Kate Walker Girlracer Magazine http://www.girlracer.co.uk

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