I feel really privileged. The Brands Hatch trackday team had invited me to gain a taster of being a real racing driver for the afternoon and fulfil my lifetime’s ambition of actually driving around Brands Indy Circuit. Hang on, but in my Lupo GTI? Believe me, I was truly cacking it big stylie. I couldn’t eat, felt queasy and the symptoms of novice trackday nerves just got worse throughout the day. Images of me flying off at Paddock Hill Bend backwards into the gravel traps wouldn’t get out of my head. The embarrassment of being towed back to the pits with a bonnet covered in freshly laid stone chips made my stomach churn.

The afternoon started with a group chat about the rules (being a natural rebel, I love rules!) a look at the different flag meanings and a talk on circuit tactics to help avoid hitting a marshal or each other. Best bit? I could undertake as many people as I liked, and not get a rollocking for it!

Now it takes a lot for me to go quiet. And I was deadly quiet when it came to being taken out around the track first of all in a minibus by Niki Faulkner, our fab instructor and past podium hogger as a single seater driver in the Formula Palmer Audis. I was desperately trying to remember everything he was saying, which was like second nature to him. Was it brake at a yellow cone or turn in? I thought the best thing to do would be to just follow the car in front, hope they get it right and are not just out for an afternoon sightseeing tour.

So there I was, dressed in my best Chavster hoody with its own go-faster stripes, sitting in the pit lane ready to go, sandwiched between a couple of TVRs. Whilst ‘The Stig’ from BBC Top Gear plays easy listening music – usually Genesis, Super Tramp or cheesy pop – when test driving the latest big boy’s toy, I preferred passing the time by listening to Faithless with the sub turned up full, windows down and arm half hanging out. My excuse? I was keeping in touch with my Chavster roots and hell, no one seemed to mind - not even Niki the instructor who I nabbed for the first couple of laps. Luckily I got expert tuition on the racing line, gear changes and the best way to thrash the hell out of my lil’ Lupo GTI. I learnt very quickly that as soon as it starts to react to oversteer and understeer, just floor it even more! I’m pleased to say I didn’t spin the car, although when it started raining heavily it did become very tail happy around Druids Bend and I was close to losing it a few times with a humungous grin on my face to the sound of massive tyre squealing. In fact my unfortunate passenger Niki was impressed with my sound effects as I was flooring it around the track, I think it went something like ‘nnneeeeeyyyoooowwwww’ ‘rrrraaaaahhhhhh’ and ‘wwweeeyyyhhheeeyyy’!!!

I was very quickly addicted to power sliding around Druids Bend and pushing the Lupo GTI even faster on each lap that there was no way I was getting off the track in a ‘somebody stop me!’ Jim Carey stylie. But, I spoke too soon as I ran out of petrol and my playtime ended abruptly - much to everyone’s amusement. A quick pit stop to the local Texaco Garage sorted me out nicely.

I must have done at least four 20 minute sessions within the allocated free for all track time and in total about 90 miles. The guys who had turned up in their expensive toys kept commenting on how impressed they were on the Lupo GTI’s performance and handling. Actually so was I! I even kept a TVR Chimaera at bay for several laps for a while. Yeeehaaa! In fact I was so excited and so full of adrenalin, I forgot to eat all day!

I was impressed to see that there were a few other girlies going for it out on the track, but not in a tame-ish Lupo GTI like mine, instead in their boyfriend’s expensive shiny motors. I’m wondering though if this was a relationship test – what would happen if they stacked it?! Donna Gessey was brave enough to get out there in a Lotus Elise S1 in the wet after a few sessions with an instructor who boosted her confidence going into the bends at break-neck speed sideways. There was also a girlie out in a gawjus Noble M12, although this did end up backwards in the gravel in spectacular fashion at the top of Druids Bend – when her boyfriend drove it.

Now a certain Porsche driver was heard complaining that there weren’t enough fast cars out on the track to play with. Interestingly enough, it was only the fast cars like Porsches, TVRs and Caterhams that seemed to keep spinning off and being rescued by the marshals. Hmmmm, in fact a TVR Cerbera driver seemed to ‘forget’ to brake at Paddock Hill Bend causing chaos; he was rapidly black flagged and called in for a firm wrist slapping. His antics were rewarded with strict instructor supervision from then onwards.

It was clear to see that everyone who participated in the trackday was on a huge buzz and exchanging experiences after each 20 minute block of driving. Could this be the most fun you can have with your clothes on? Bloody hell yeah! I must say a huge thanks to Alex Baker and the rest of the Brands Hatch trackday team as you have one very happy customer! Their next novice afternoon is Thursday 15 September but what I want to know is, when’s that Girlracer trackday then Gaz?! Count me in, once I’ve sorted out my wild helmet hair….

Sezza